Last Meal

This was the last meal. An In-N-Out cheeseburger (animal style), fries, and a Coke. I even put it on a plate to mark the occasion.

Somebody asked me why my friends and I were going vegan. Honestly, I'm still not quite sure. I mean, part of it is to be healthier. But there's really no overarching REASON for doing it. Other than the fact that we wondered if we could.

I respect people who are vegetarian for moral reasons. My father, incidentally, is a vegetarian. He's Hindu and that's the norm in India. The idea of eating meat is just distasteful and anathema in his worldview. Though I have seen him eat fish at Red Lobster with no problem whatsoever. Fish are fine.

Incidentally, out of all of the animals we kill as a society, fish have it the worst. They get pulled, BY A HOOK IN THEIR MOUTH, into a hostile environment until they drown. That's way worse than a cow getting a bolt gun to the head or a chicken getting its neck snapped.

No one gives a fuck about fish because they're not cute, unless they're animated and voiced by Ellen Degeneres. But I digress.

I've heard some vegetarians talk about how, after a certain period of time, the very idea of eating meat is disgusting to them. And I wonder, if I was vegetarian for long enough, would my worldview change? Would I become repulsed at the activity I so thoroughly enjoyed before?

Could I look at a delicious Double-Double and feel nothing but sorrow?

I'm curious to find out.

And here's a really funny bit from Louis CK to close out this entry:

Things Are A Changin'

On New Years Day, I had a distinct feeling that 2010 was going to be a really exciting year. I couldn't put my finger on why, exactly, just that it would be different.

Yesterday, I learned that my company is giving everyone (including me) substantial pay cuts starting next month. And my roommate is thinking about moving to a new place, but wanted to know if I'd be down for moving there, also.

It's entirely possible that by the end of this experiment, I'll be in a new place, with a new job, eating a completely different diet.

Which is ultimately a good thing. I've been eating like shit and I don't really like my job. But I really like this apartment. We have an elevator and everything.

Escalation

Jim Gordon: What about escalation?

Batman: Escalation?

Jim Gordon: We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor-piercing rounds.

Batman: And?

Jim Gordon: And *you're* wearing a mask and jumping off rooftops. Now, take this guy: armed robbery, double homicide. Got a taste for theatrical, like you. Leaves a calling card.

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I told a couple of friends about my foolish month of veganism. And, since they're lunatics like me, they decided to up the ante a bit.

So now, we have:

The Monastic Challenge

Vegan diet (no meat, fish, eggs, dairy)
No refined sugar
No alcohol
No drugs (including caffeine)
No sexual release of any kind
No harmful thoughts toward others (compassion to all beings)

Big Mike made a Facebook page, appropriately entitled "The Monastic Challenge". We'll probably post hourly updates of our withdrawal symptoms.

Any one of these things would be irritating and cause me to make a smart-ass remark about it. But all six? This is going to be an interesting month, indeed.

Research

Okay, so I thought I had a pretty good handle on what foods are in the vegan family. If you kill it, milk it, or grab it from a chicken's vagina, it's probably not going to fly. So to speak.

Then I remembered my protein powder. I mean, I could have protein shakes, right?

Wrong. See, I have whey protein powder. Which comes from milk. Which comes from a cow.

So now I have to buy vegan protein powder.

What about a safe choice, like bagels? Apparently, most of them are vegan. But sometimes they're brushed with egg whites to make them shiny.

So now I have to make sure to buy vegan bagels.

And bread? It's easy to buy vegan bread. Not so fast. I mean, sure, there are plenty of vegan bread choices. But something like, say, honey wheat? Uh-uh.

See, honey comes from bees. And bees are animals.

Seriously?

One website had a guy talking about how bees were oppressed by these cruel beekeepers, harvesting them for their hard-earned honey.

NO FUCKING SHIT, COLUMBO! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK BEEKEEPERS DO?

Sigh. Anyway.

So now, no honey. And since I already said no sugar, I'm going to be relying on stevia as my only sweetener.

I haven't even started yet and I'm already exhausted.

Joining The Enemy

I should admit something up front.

I tend to lump vegans with Wiccans, Mormons, creationists, 9/11 truthers, religious fundamentalists, and people that find Jay Leno funny.

Simply put, you're fucking lunatics that I have absolutely no interest in talking to.

I'm sure you're very nice, but I don't have the strength to listen to your inane babble about the healing energy of Gaea or controlled demolitions or why airplane seats are so small.

Of all of the aforementioned lunatics, vegans are probably the last group I thought I would actually join. I mean, Wiccans are weird, but I don't think my Wiccan lifestyle would be that different from the one I have now. What, buy some crystals and talk about Mammon at the spiritual bookstore? How hard could that be?

But veganism? Christ. What a fucking drag. It's an entire culture built around the stuff you DON'T do. No meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fun. What the hell do vegans even do on a Saturday night? Eat stir-fry tofu and drink gluten-free beer?

Who wants to be that guy? Who wants to be the sallow, 120lb hippie who constantly replies "Oh no, I'm vegan," with a condescending smile?

Who wants to be the boor who spouts off about how dairy farms rape their cows or pollute rivers or something else that no one cares about.

Not me.

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So why become a vegan? Well, I'll tell you.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. In the middle of downing my tenth peanut butter cookie, something occurred to me.

I hadn't eaten a fruit or vegetable ALL DAY. Not one. And not only that, this is how I eat MOST OF THE TIME.

Coffee. Donuts. Soda. Cookies. Chips. Pepperoni pizza*.

I'm sitting there, crumbs still on my shirt, looking at my belly jiggle with high fructose corn syrup and grease. Feeling that weird heartburn from eating nasty, chemically processed food.

Have I become that guy? Have I become that lard-ass that ignores the most basic of nutritional needs? Would I be some 1000lb diabetic, glued to a futon and eating fried chicken by the bucket?

I knew that I wanted to stop eating like shit. I knew that I wanted to eat healthy.

But (and this is the saddest part), I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW IF I COULD. I mean, I could do okay for a couple of days. But eventually I'd fall victim to the siren song of carne asada or ice cream or Zankou chicken.

At around the same time, I stumbled on my friend Lisa's blog. Lisa, among other things, is probably the only vegan I can stand. And she's constantly talking about how healthy she feels, which tends to annoy the crap out of me.

So I decided to try a little experiment. One month. One month of trying it her way. I'll be a one month vegan.

And I added a couple of other things, just to test my willpower. No refined sugar, no caffeine, and no alcohol.

But it's February. A short month. It'll be over soon, right?

Right?

*---I know what some of you are thinking. "Tomato sauce is a vegetable." And then some of you private school kids are thinking "Tomatoes are actually FRUIT, aren't I fucking clever?".

Well, go fuck yourself. That's what I'm thinking.