Joining The Enemy

I should admit something up front.

I tend to lump vegans with Wiccans, Mormons, creationists, 9/11 truthers, religious fundamentalists, and people that find Jay Leno funny.

Simply put, you're fucking lunatics that I have absolutely no interest in talking to.

I'm sure you're very nice, but I don't have the strength to listen to your inane babble about the healing energy of Gaea or controlled demolitions or why airplane seats are so small.

Of all of the aforementioned lunatics, vegans are probably the last group I thought I would actually join. I mean, Wiccans are weird, but I don't think my Wiccan lifestyle would be that different from the one I have now. What, buy some crystals and talk about Mammon at the spiritual bookstore? How hard could that be?

But veganism? Christ. What a fucking drag. It's an entire culture built around the stuff you DON'T do. No meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fun. What the hell do vegans even do on a Saturday night? Eat stir-fry tofu and drink gluten-free beer?

Who wants to be that guy? Who wants to be the sallow, 120lb hippie who constantly replies "Oh no, I'm vegan," with a condescending smile?

Who wants to be the boor who spouts off about how dairy farms rape their cows or pollute rivers or something else that no one cares about.

Not me.

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So why become a vegan? Well, I'll tell you.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. In the middle of downing my tenth peanut butter cookie, something occurred to me.

I hadn't eaten a fruit or vegetable ALL DAY. Not one. And not only that, this is how I eat MOST OF THE TIME.

Coffee. Donuts. Soda. Cookies. Chips. Pepperoni pizza*.

I'm sitting there, crumbs still on my shirt, looking at my belly jiggle with high fructose corn syrup and grease. Feeling that weird heartburn from eating nasty, chemically processed food.

Have I become that guy? Have I become that lard-ass that ignores the most basic of nutritional needs? Would I be some 1000lb diabetic, glued to a futon and eating fried chicken by the bucket?

I knew that I wanted to stop eating like shit. I knew that I wanted to eat healthy.

But (and this is the saddest part), I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW IF I COULD. I mean, I could do okay for a couple of days. But eventually I'd fall victim to the siren song of carne asada or ice cream or Zankou chicken.

At around the same time, I stumbled on my friend Lisa's blog. Lisa, among other things, is probably the only vegan I can stand. And she's constantly talking about how healthy she feels, which tends to annoy the crap out of me.

So I decided to try a little experiment. One month. One month of trying it her way. I'll be a one month vegan.

And I added a couple of other things, just to test my willpower. No refined sugar, no caffeine, and no alcohol.

But it's February. A short month. It'll be over soon, right?

Right?

*---I know what some of you are thinking. "Tomato sauce is a vegetable." And then some of you private school kids are thinking "Tomatoes are actually FRUIT, aren't I fucking clever?".

Well, go fuck yourself. That's what I'm thinking.